I’ve been keeping my promise from yesterday. Some days it is harder to maintain the self-belief that I need in order to be me. Other days I keep going because I know the larger picture is one worth pursuing. The self-confidence has never been there. I live from one eureka moment to the next hoping that each temporary boost can push me through the lower phases in my mood.
I remember in university one of my lecturers asked me, “Do you always get what you want?” to which I replied, “Almost never. I have to fight for it every inch of the way.” I think he believed that my determination was part of some egotistical drive; some excessive selfishness threatening to trample over others. This is a common mistake lots of people make when they don’t know me very well. I am actually a very generous and dilligent person who shares as much as I can, wherever I can. If I am pushy it is because I can see the overall direction that something needs to head in order to benefit everybody. I can see the logistics and the publicity to make everyone a winner. I am happy to be wrong. I am happy to back down even if I know I am right. Compromise is always there when it needs to be.
My nihilistic attitude comes from throwing myself headlong at my lack of self-belief rather than giving it the chance to destroy me. My ambition and drive are actually working against the natural flow of my ego. I’m always feeling that I’m swimming against the tide rather than with it. I am so convinced that I am going to slip backwards that I plan for every eventuality and work twice as hard to make sure the worst doesn’t happen.
My creativity gives my brain something other to dwell on in an attempt to build positivity rather than be lost in negativity. I cannot fail and I will not fall. I will push through regardless.