Justifying a reclusive instinct

Sometimes I find it hard to leave the house and socialise. I’m not agoraphobic, I simply find it hard to leave my comfort zone. Leaving the house is done either in sporadic bursts or is timetabled well in advance.

It could be said that this is a direct result of being a self-employed artist working from home; I am bound to get used to spending time with my Self [other]. It could also be argued that this has lead to me being inward-looking and isolated.

Am I a hermit with hermit’s ways? My friends and my flatmate would disagree.

I don’t feel it is fair either to use my being an artist to explain away this part of me. I was like this long before I ever started out in this profession. I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember. When I was very small I was exceptionally shy. It took many years to learn to protect that inner shyness with an outer confidence. The person you will see, and think of as me, appears confident and decisive; whereas the Self that I know is scared and nervous.

Of course it could be unhealthy to become a recluse and I regularly try to force myself out of my comfort zone. But sometimes I am tired through lack of sleep, or I am feeling unwell, or I am feeling particularly vulnerable (or all 3 of these options). There would be no conversation between us, and I would be no fun to be with. It is at this point I feel my reluctance to socialise is justified.

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One thought on “Justifying a reclusive instinct

  1. When I was little and grownups asked me what I wanted to be, I said 'a hermit' and I meant it. I was a tomboy and liked to play Thunderbirds best because I always chose to be Thunderbird 5, who lived alone on a space station. Is this part of a 'artistic personality' I wonder?

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